A recent survey of train commuters has shown that the top annoyance on public transport – the thing that gets everyone’s goat more than anything else – is loud music bleeding from headphones.

This was music to my ears, if you know what I mean. It’s not just me. Everyone feels the same!

I’m not just a freak of nature. Well, not in that way anyway.

I’ve touched on this particular annoyance before, probably suggesting that the culprits be fed slowly into a wood chipper or something. You may think that an overreaction. I call it justice.

So if everyone feels the same – and the survey of 2,000 people by O2 money seems to back this up – why don’t we do something about it?

Because the English don’t like confrontation, that’s why.

HI’ve often dreamed of strapping a bass drum to my back, cymbals to my knees and sitting next to one of these “bleeders” while playing Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit on a kazoo.

“Just thought you’d like to listen to my music now,” I’d say, before getting my head kicked in.
But if we all did it. You know, strength in numbers and all that.

One downside would be that the train would be full of one-man bands – which would be louder than the earphone culprits. But it would be more fun.

Maybe it’s just that “hell is other people” and nothing will change that.

Human beings are annoying. Everyone knows that.

That’s why rich people would rather jump in a cab than travel by train.

Being rich enables you to minimise your exposure to other people on a day to day basis.

I’ll probably never be rich; so if you see a guy with a bass drum and a kazoo on the 7.37 to Waterloo some time soon – do come and say hello.